


If I Should Die

by zzoaozz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Doubt, Friendship, Other, Philosophy, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:41:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25037170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zzoaozz/pseuds/zzoaozz
Summary: Cas has returned from the empty and tries to cope with his fading faith.  No pairings implied, just a brief moment of introspection.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester
Kudos: 2





	If I Should Die

“Spill it Cas, what’s bothering you. Don’t make me beat it out of you.” Dean stepped up behind the angel and dropped a hand on his shoulder.

Castiel turned his head to look up into the shadowed green of the hunter’s eyes but broke the contact far sooner than was normal. He noticed the flash of some emotion in Dean’s face as his shifted his gaze to the deepening darkness outside the window. A storm was blowing in, one that matched the turmoil within him. “I am fine, Dean.”

“Tell that to someone who doesn’t know when you’re full of shit, dude. Jack is back and settled down, you are home, the world’s not ending at the moment, and everything is just fucking awesome for once in our messed-up lives.”

“It isn’t important, Dean.”

“It is important. I just got you back, and don’t you dare think about hightailing it and leaving me… leaving us, I mean, Jack and Sam and me.”

There was a hint of command and the edge of desperation in Dean’s voice that confused Castiel. He could not interpret it, so he fumbled for words that would reassure the human. “There is nowhere to go, Dean. Not for me, or any other angel.”

“What?”

Castiel sighed. Once again, his mouth and his mind seemed to be at odds with each other.

Dean’s eyes narrowed, and he sat down on the edge of the nightstand turned so Castiel had no choice but to look him in the face. He knew Dean would not let go of the issue until he had some sort of answer. The days when the seraph could just rattle off some celestial sounding mumbo jumbo were long past. Dean had come to know him better than anyone or anything in creation.

Dean had heard something in his friend’s voice he had never heard before, something like grief or despair but deeper. He sounded broken. “Cas, tell me, please.” He used the weapon that always worked on Cas, the one he would have died before letting anyone else see.

Dean tilted his head down that certain way that made the light pick out the freckles across his nose and cheeks. Eyes dark with concern peered up from under a crescent of dark lashes catching the light in a beryllian shimmer. His lips were slack with the corners curving up into a look somewhere between pouting and teasing. It melted the angel, the way it always had. He reached out and touched Dean gently in the middle of his forehead, something Dean allowed in private but never in public. The warm skin, the warmer soul, and the steady rhythm of his heart were reassuring in a way nothing else had ever been in all his long centuries of being.

“We were created to serve the Lord. We were ordered to protect this world above all others, to shelter and nurture his creation. He made you and told us to love and protect you, and for the most part, we did. He made a place in Heaven for your souls when you die. He even made a place in his creation for monsters when they die, Purgatory. Did you know that there are four angels, Thrones, who stand at the four corners of creation and hold Heaven, Hell, Earth, and Purgatory in place? They also control the winds and ocean currents and magnetic poles of the planet.”

“I didn’t know that. Sounds like an important job.” Dean replied softly disliking the edge of something raw and painful he could hear in his angel’s voice.

“The wars we fought, against monsters and other gods, against Lucifer and his minions, those were all to serve and protect creation.”

“Yeah, and most people never even know. Hell, I didn’t even believe in Heaven and angels and Chuck until I met you.”

“Our Heavenly Father saw our deeds. He commanded them after all. He knew that we loved and obeyed him. He knew that would die or make any sacrifice to do our duty.”

“As someone who has been on the receiving end of the whole sacrifice thing, I get what you’re saying,” Dean could feel Cas’ fingers shaking a little against his forehead. That was new, and he did not like it one little bit.

“So why, Dean? Why would he throw us outside creation when we die? Why would we end up on the same garbage heap that demons do, like… like an empty beer bottle.”

Dean’s heart clenched at the naked pain he could hear plainly now. He did the only thing he knew to do, wrapped his angel in his arms and held him tight. “I don’t know Cas. I don't pretend to understand or like any of this.”


End file.
